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January 19 My Myspace AuditionTo my boundless horror, people still seem to be using Myspace, even after I made clear how sad/desperate/lonely/unoriginal one has to be in order to flourish there.
As Sun Tzu (look him up) once said "know your enemy as you know yourself, and victory shall always be yours". It is a nifty trick that gives one the edge in any situation, including Myspace (though I suspect that my good friend Sun Tzu would, like me, consider Myspace a waste of time, and is probably rolling in his grave at the thought of his work being applied to it....hahaha, unlucky Sun Tzu). To that end, I occasionally cast my eye over Myspace to see if the standard has improved. Unsurprisingly, it hasnt. You would be amazed at the sort of things you can glean from Myspace though; the intrigue, the insults, the betrayals, the romance, the knowledge that witty banter is a gift limited to a rare few....it's all there.
So, rather than keep trying to make clear to retards that they are in fact retards (because that task could take till the Ragnarok, and I have better things to do until then), I thought I would jump ship and sign myself up for Myspace. Well, not so much jump ship so much as do an audition to see if I can get into the Myspace rhythm.
Here is my attempt at a Myspace "about me" survey, which I shamelessly pilfered off my good friend's site; Finland's answer to Bruce Lee, Australia's answer to Patrick Swayze, the buff, the brave, the loyal - Starry: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=89963733 (some free publicity for your site my friend).
I must confess I am a little nervous. What if I dont seem "cool" enough? What if people dont leave comments? What if I dont get 60 million friends on my space? Relax James, just get through the audition first, worry about the rest later... Here goes... Name: James Tiberius Burns lol! Birthday: 3/4/87. I'm like, so old! Birthplace: Blacktown Hospital. lol, i'm not black tho wtf? Current Location: outside your window roflmao!!!! Eye Color: Smoky Silver. Hair Color: umm....blonde? lol, depends on if its wet or not!! Height: umm.. I lost my ruler soz Right Handed or Left Handed: when im at fight club, i can punch bitches with both lolz Your Heritage:wtf? whats a heritage? I dont think ive eva been infected by one The Shoes You Wore Today: umm...thongs. lol! not a g-string though! roflamo! Your Weakness:sometimes not being able to go to the gym daily for 12 hours to make myself look buff. cant chill with my homies if im not buff Your Fears: Poofs. fuckin gays, like wtf dudes? I also fear terrorists, fuckiin museliems, blowin shit up. Your Perfect Pizza:the steroid special lol!!! it would also be cool if it came with a new surfboard, footy and engine for my car on it. fuck man, i would tap that shit so hard lol!!! Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:finish doing up my fuckin sick VH commodore. and to screw that hot bitch at the Burger King i work at! fuckin A man, how awesome are girls? lol. Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: what does that mean? Thoughts First Waking Up: umm....I dunno, probably meh! Your Best Physical Feature: my car. Your Bedtime: depends on how smashed I am! Lol! Your Most Missed Memory: every saturday night since I turned 14. Pepsi or Coke: dont care, as long as there is fuckin alcomohol in it!!!!!!!! MacDonalds or Burger King: fuck man, i gotta cook that shit, i wouldnt eat it. grease and steroids would make me bait in my car when im fuckin maggot! Single or Group Dates: meh, as long as there are lots of hot bitches for me to tap!!!! yeah man, bitches!!!!! Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: poof drinks Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolate is black, and i fuckin hate blacks. should still be our slaves lol! but vanilla is for poofs, so neither. Cappuccino or Coffee: poof drinks. wtf man, whats with all this queer questions? are they like, trying to turn me gay? Do you Smoke: fuckin A man, im so hard. my buff body will beat the shit out of lung cancer if it comes near me, even the grim reaper is afraid of me when im pumping iron in the gym. Do you Swear: lol! just look up! Do you Sing: at the footy, only poofs sing at other places. Maybe some Cold Chisel in tha shower tho lol! Do you Shower Daily: no. I take baths roflmao!!!! Have you Been in Love: fuck no, treat them bitches mean, alwasy keeps em coming back. Do you want to go to College: go where? Do you want to get Married: to lots of women. They can like, cook my food and wash my clothes lol Do you belive in yourself: have you seen me? i can smash anyone! i have a hotted up car! and chicks dig my ass lol! and what else is there besides all that? nothing, so yes, i do believe in myself. Do you get Motion Sickness: only poofs get motion sickness. Getting sick from moving. Wtf? Do you think you are Attractive: wtf? you dont think im attractive? WTF????? Are you a Health Freak: yeah, i only ever eat or drink protein supplements. and alcomohol of course, im no sissy. Do you get along with your Parents: my dad just got out of prison, and when he isnt working (im so proud my dad has 2 jobs! he drives a taxi and is a janitor! I bet those nerds cant get 2 jobs lol) so we dont see each other much. Some times he comes home early to give me a whoppin tho. And my mum left when i was 8, she told me dad she got a job on the docks and never came back. Do you like Thunderstorms:yeah, respect brother. yes, thunderstorms are my bruz lol! Do you play an Instrument: learned to play smells like teen spirit by nirvana on the bass guitar. In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: lol, that question could be in the last 10 minutes have you drank alcomohol and the answer would still be yes. In the past month have you Smoked: lol, and again, look at the previous question for an answer. In the past month have you been on Drugs: nah man, only losers take drugs. im like, wtf dude? why would you fuck your body up with drugs? All i need is my protein supplements, my alcohol, my ciggys and my steroids. drugs are for losers. In the past month have you gone on a Date: yeah heaps, for some reason chicks like it when i talk like this. I act like this, treat them like shit, tap them, then treat them like shit some more, then they wonder how they didnt see that i was a jerk and complain about it to their friends. hahaha, dumb bitches. In the past month have you gone to a Mall: wtf? a mall? where are we? george bush land? Roflamo In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: are oreos protein supplements? i fucking think not. In the past month have you eaten Sushi: eww gross! im not a fucking Nip! In the past month have you been on Stage: only poofs go on stage. you know those fuckin guy ballay dancers. or should i say gay ballay dancers! ROFLOAM!!!!! fuckin yeah!!!!LOL!!!!!!! In the past month have you been Dumped: shit no, chicks dont dump guys with pecks like these. In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: i tried, but my pecks are so big i couldnt get my singlet off lol. my pants came off easily tho. wait... In the past month have you Stolen Anything: yeah but the pigs couldnt keep up with my hotted up VL. Ever been Drunk: all the time dude, all the time. Ever been called a Tease: nope, soz. Ever been Beaten up: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. ME? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH Ever Shoplifted: No, I could tho, because im hell buff and i work out. lol, get it? shoplifted? me hell buff? lifting shops? fuck yeah. How do you want to Die: beating the shit out of the grim reaper with his giant...ummm....ahh...his giant big fork thingy.... What do you want to be when you Grow Up:Governor of California. What country would you most like to Visit: sweeden. the chicks over there have some massive-ass titties! In a Boy/Girl.. Favourite Eye Color: meh Favourite Hair Color: meh, as long as they arent a redknob. Short or Long Hair:long, im a guy, chicks with short hair only like other chicks! Height:short, i dont want no fuckin giant chick! Weight: dude, when im smashed id even take the fat chicks lol! Best Clothing Style: white singlet, baggy shorts with boxers showing (maybe even some ass crack to excite the women), thongs (lol, get your mind out of the gutter!), cap on sideways, sunnies (or shades). thats me, im so fuckin hot! Number of Drugs I have taken:non, drugs are for losers. Number of CDs I own: all rap cds. eminem, dre, 50 cent...fuck yeah. when im crusing around in my souped up VZ, ive always got some snoop pumping out the window with the sound cranked up. the chicks love it. Number of Piercings:one time i got so smashed my friends dragged me to some place and gave me one right thoguh my knob. I was like "wft? Where did that come from?". so 1 piercing in total. Number of Tattoos: they also gave me a tatu hoping to make me look like a sissy. as a joke, they carved "mothar" into a love heart on my arm. those guys, they are so funny, i only bashed them a little afterwards. Number of things in my Past I Regret:83. the number of times ive woken up next to some fat chick lol! shit yeah bitches, im at the end!!!!!
There we have it boys and girls. It’s hard to tell how I did, but honestly I think I’d fit right in on Myspace with a profile in that vein. I may learn to love Myspace yet…
Burns the Almighty January 17 Retail: Less Respectable Than ProstitutionAs many of you know, or dont, in my spare time I often enjoy impersonating Officeworks employees. You know, dressing up in the uniform, wandering around the store, dodging store security, hoping customers ask me questions, that sort of thing. Not only is it one of the most exciting past times a person could pursue, its also one of the most informative.
As the title of this blog may suggest, I have discovered that retail, or in broader terms "customer service" is the lowest human function, lower even than shitting, or driving a Bus. Why? Because it is less respectable than prostitution. Thats right, i'd sooner admit to being a hooker than being in customer service. I'd rather sell what I (loosely) call my wonderful body to the highest bidder, no matter how ugly, dirty, fat or "ethnic" (hahaha, a racist comment that none of you can stop, eat shit) the person happens to be. I can at least respect hookers, at least they admit their job is whoring. This is primarily due to the fact that it is built around a totally flawed concept - that the customer is always right.
That is wrong on so many levels it isnt funny.
*note: it IS actually funny, because I dont think it, and people who do are retards. See? Funny.*
1) Customers are (typically) members of the general public. Since when has the general public been right? About anything? We are talking about the same people responsible for making reality TV popular, the people responsible for Rap music, the people responsible for George Bush jokes (thats right boys and girls, get back to me the second you think up a funny one), and perhaps worst of all, the people responsible for pissing me off daily.
2) If the customer was always right, there would be no need for them to ask a question, because they would already know the fucking answer.
3) I've been a customer before - AND EVEN I HAVE BEEN WRONG 3 TIMES IN MY LIFE. If I have been wrong before, then what hope does anyone else have of being right all the time? None. Exactly.
Whats that you say? "The customer is always right" is not so much a rule so much as an attitude towards your customers?
Oh, you mean it's just a way of sucking their balls in the vain hope they spend more money on you? My mistake. I'd much prefer a store employee to talk to me like an idiot if I ask an idiotic question - at least then I would know I'm not being patronised by them.
The customer isnt always right. This is a message to everyone in retail: Grow some balls - tell them so. January 01 R.I.P Saddam “I Love Country Music Festivals” Hussein.Friends, the unthinkable has happened. The world’s greatest man, a man who epitomized the words “charity”, “humanity”, “friendship” and “happy happy joy joy”, a man who made Santa Claus look like a fat bastard, a man who made Ghandi look like a crazed psychopath, a man who made Shatner look ordinary, and a man who made me look…well, I still look wonderful, but that’s no fault of his, has been executed.
“Why James?” I hear you cry. “Why would those assholes execute such a wonderful human being?”
I understand your sadness and confusion. Really, I do. Saddam was as much a hero of mine as he was of yours.
The reasons behind his execution are all politically based. Don’t delude yourselves, all is not as it seems. Oh sure the American’s and the Iraqi’s may come up with all kinds of excuses for killing the man, but I know the truth. My favourite excuse I heard from one American diplomat was that Saddam’s blood was 100% pure crude oil, and they wanted to kill the guy so they could harvest his “blood”. The reports that his execution was performed by “nuking” remain unconfirmed.
These are all false though. As usual, it’s left to me, Burns the Almighty, to enlighten you all on the REAL reasons behind this nefarious scheme.
The real person behind Saddam’s death was none other than Mel Gibson.
“Mel Gibson?” I hear you ask skeptically. “Saddam wasn’t Jewish! Why would Mel hate Saddam?”
Saddam saw how sexy Mel looked in his new beard and decided to imitate it (they are calling that look the “Me-tler” in Iraq currently). Mel, in typical Hollywood style, was enraged upon seeing his trademarked look stolen by Saddam, and promptly threw his Hollywood weight about to ensure that this wonderful man, this prince among men, would be hung. Mel Gibson - you asshole.
Still, we Saddam admirers can be thankful that this legend was killed before he did something unsavory and damaged his reputation amongst us liberals.
I thought in honour of this great man, I would give you all a brief run-down of his wonderful humanitarian exploits, from birth to death.
-Born April 28, 1937. There is an interesting story about his birth. Apparently, Saddam’s mother was a virgin, engaged to a carpenter. One day, an Angel appeared to her and pointed her towards Tikrit. She set off to Tikrit, only to find that there was no room in any of the Inns. So she went out back and slept in a barn. Next morning, she went outside to find little baby Saddam, lying in a dirt patch, having apparently fallen out of a cow’s ass.
-At age 3, in accordance with Iraqi custom, officially became a “man”.
-At age 5, became a hero. He single handedly stoned to death 12 ravenous, savage kittens to save his village.
-At age 8, stopped breast feeding.
-At age 12, learned to read and spell simple words.
-At age 13, attended his first country music festival in Nashville, which spawned a life-long love affair.
-At age 15, began an on-again off-again love affair with Iraq’s oldest woman.
-At age 23, mourned death of his lover.
-At age 24, achieved the honour of becoming Iraq’s third man to complete high school.
-At age 27, was arrested for pursuing the “on-again” portion of his relationship with (ex)Iraq’s oldest woman.
-At age 31, was released from prison and with his credentials firmly established, Saddam entered politics.
-At age 32, granted himself the modest title of “supreme overlord of heaven and earth” after the “accidental” deaths of his political opponents. Swore at his coronation that he would be the nicest guy ever to be an overlord.
-At age 35, made it illegal for anyone in Iraq to not be wearing silly hats.
-At age 36, Saddam was again a hero, when he ordered the death of 17 elderly traitors, conspiring to soil themselves in the afternoon in protest of his silly hat law.
-Age 45, nominated himself for the Nobel Peace Prize. Thanks to the petty manipulations of a young Mel Gibson, he was unsuccessful.
-Age 51, wrote his own love song to the people of the world. Entered the charts at number 470, 899.
-Age 53, took up alpine skiing briefly, but was hit with a rogue snowball thrown by a Swedish youth. After the ensuing massacre of the Ski lodge by Saddam’s “friends”, Saddam’s media and international advisors advised against leaving the country any more.
-Age 57, saw a teletubby on TV and began dressing up as the purple one. After a brief stay in a “rest home”, he was released and stopped wearing the suit in public.
-Age 61, began collecting postage stamps. By the time of his death, he had the 7th biggest collection in Iraq.
-Age 68, contrary to American reports that he was on the run from their forces, Saddam actually was on a year long pub crawl, around all of Iraq’s best nightclubs. As he said in his trial - “the chicks dig the Me-tler”.
-Age 69, fell victim to the Mel Gibson conspiracy, and was hung.
Let us all mourn the passing of this great man. And let us all hope that he is getting everything he deserves in the afterlife. And then some.
Burns the Almighty. The 10 Funniest Deaths of 200610) Peter Smith – (June 25 1940 – February 10 2006) A British Trade Union leader who died of Oesophageal Cancer. Funny because I’ve always said that god hated the trade unions, and this proved it.
9) Markus Loffel – (27 November 1966 – 11 January 2006) A German DJ who was a prominent member in the trance movement, Loffel suffered a heart attack last year when he realized that Trance music was shit.
8) Allen Carr – (2 September 1934 – 19 November 2006) A 5 pack a day smoker till 1983, when he stopped smoking and became addicted to the glare of the neon lights that were popular at the time (Note: that last part may not be factually based). Killed by lung cancer, the period between 1983 and 2006 took the form of a celebrity death match between Carr and a Cigarette. Well, it took the cigarette 23 years, but it won out in the end.
7) Hanumant Singh – (29 March 1939 – 29 November 2006) An Indian Cricketer, and in later life he became a match referee. Why is his dying amusing? Because while he thought he was not out, death disagreed and sent him back to the pavilion for 67.
6) David Bronstein – (Feb19 1924 – December 5 2006) A leading chess grandmaster, Bronstein didn’t count on death moving its queen in behind his king, cornering his bishops and taking his knights. This death took the form of a Celebrity death match between death and Bronstein, except it was in chess form. Bronstein should have known better, not even Deep Blue could beat death at Chess.
5) Paul Avrich – (August 4 1931 – February 16 2006) A professor of the Anarchist movement, who suffered from Alzheimer’s Disease which eventually resulted in his death. Why is his death amusing? Because the guy who studied anarchy for a living fell victim to anarchy in his brain. Get it?
4) Mitchell Rupe (1955 – February 8 2006) Rupe was a convicted murderer who was sentenced to death in 1994, but the judge ruled that he was too heavy to hang, as the sheer weight of the fat prick could have resulted in the rope snapping as he dropped to the ground, and the impact would have caused the earth to split in two. In reality, the judge was afraid he would have been decapitated, but his death from liver failure last year amused me because it is one less fat person to worry about.
3) Vince Welnick – (February 21 1951 – June 2 2006) The keyboardist of the Grateful Dead between 1990-1995, Welnick committed suicide by apparently drawing a knife across his throat. His death is pretty much the definition of irony, thanks to the band he chose to play in. Perhaps he took his music a little too seriously.
2) Samuel Powers – (6 August 1924 – 5 November 2006) An imperial wizard of the Ku Klux Klan who died in a state penitentiary from a heart attack. This attack was apparently brought on when Powers realized that his great grand-mammy once bumped into a black man when walking down a street, and was so horrified that he had been contaminated by “black” that his heart stopped. Perhaps death did a drive-by on his wigga ass; as we all know, when death gangbangs you, you don’t stand a chance homey.
And 2006's funniest Death is.......
1) Ali Khan Samsudin – (1958 – December 1 2006) Known as Malaysia’s Snake King because he lived with 400 Cobras for 12 hours a day for 40 days in a small room in the early 90’s. Amusingly, he pissed off one snake too many by calling himself their king without a proper coronation, and was promptly bitten on the wang (I assume) by a king cobra. Malaysia’s version of celebrity deathmatch, between the snake king and a king cobra. Needless to say, the Snake King came off second best when he bit the snake and found out he didn’t have any venom to inject and snuffed it.
2006 In FilmThe Worst:
Worst Comedy – Jackass 2. The perfect answer to “How could mankind seem even stupider than Jackass 1?”
Worst Horror – The Omen (remake). Horrific, but not in the intended way.
Worst Action – Poseidon. Oh yes, it sank.
Worst Sci-Fi – Ultraviolet. Marginally better than a fat woman stepping on my genitals.
Worst Drama – Tristan and Isolde. Another contender for the Jackass question.
Worst Fantasy – Underworld: Evolution. Shitness: Evolved.
And the Best:
Best Comedy – Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. Occasionally humorous, that’s about as good as I can say for it. Get off the bandwagon boys and girls, it wasn’t that funny.
Best Horror – N/A. As already made clear on this site, this genre no longer exists.
Best Action – Casino Royale. The best Bond film in a good long time, Daniel Craig is no Sean Connery, but he is no Pierce Brosnan either, so that’s a plus.
Best Sci-Fi – Children of Men. Brilliant from start to finish.
Best Drama – The Prestige. Brilliant from start to almost 85% through. Average for the last 15%.
Best Fantasy – Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest. No surprises there from this surprisingly solid sequel. Surprising because it IS a sequel.
2006 Best Film: The Departed. Refer to my review on it to see how awesome it is. December 27 An ExperimentThats right boys and girls, you are about to get a rare insight into me. Arent you lucky? Yes, you are.
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I'll do a proper blog later. When my head stops pounding probably...
Burns the Almighty.
December 24 A Christmas MessageGo to Hell.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH hahahahahahahahaha and so forth.
That's not really the message, I just thought it would be funny to make you feel bad for a brief second. Made me laugh anyway.
In actuality, I had planned to go into meticulous detail describing the true meaning of Christmas (i.e. people worshipping me and proving their love by giving me many expensive gifts).
Unfortunately for you all, your edification will have to wait till next year. As I sat down to bash out a wonderful blog, all the sickening christmas goodwill floating about got to me, and I threw up all over my keyboard.
At present I am typing through the black bile I just sprayed all over my desk, and I fear that if I mention Christmas anymore it will result in yet another spewing of bodily fluids of some description. So, it looks like all of you are shit out of luck.
Still, if my groupies did happen to have a christmas (or, to be fashionable - xmas) that could be considered "merry", I wouldnt object too loudly.
Thats about as generous and warm as I plan to get.
Burns the Almighty. December 22 I've Always liked Rod Stewart"Rod Stewart is bringing a taste of Scotland to concert arenas across North America early next year. A glimpse of the rehearsals for his tour revealed that tartan drapes will ring the circular stage, while the four-leaf clover logo for Stewart's beloved Celtic Football Club will be emblazoned across the floor of a raised platform."
December 14 2 Films you are banned from seeingIt's not often I put out a ban on people seeing films. Usually I enjoy people going to see films simply so that I can look down on their uneducated views on it. However, I've been hurt before, so I thought I'd put out this warning early to save myself (and others) the pain of me having to put them down later.
As many of you know (and if you dont I couldnt give a shit), I hate bandwagon jumpers. Hate them. Intensely. Being a bandwagon jumper is tantamount to delivering a kick in the Scrotum (or god forbid, the Fallopian Tubes) to originality, something that is already an endangered species (but not in the funny way). "When have you been hurt James?" I hear you ask. Well my down syndrome friend, I can answer your question in 5 words - The Lord of the Rings.
Way back when I was a wee lad of 10, I read Tolkien's masterpiece. This was a time when hardly anyone knew anything of the awesomeness that is Theoden and those other guys and a time when one could be proud for liking it. Sharing a knowing smile when one talked about it with someone who had also READ the BOOK was indeed a pleasant experience. Particularly if that other person had nice cleavage.
Then along comes Peter Jackson with his awesome films. They were wonderful and I enjoyed every second of them (well, all but the Frodo/Sam love affair of course, soon to be a TV spin-off - Queer as Hobbits). But after the films had finished, the experience became less pleasant. It was like having a wonderful night with someone then waking up next morning to find that they are fatter than the Queen of Sea Cows. Every second person had suddenly become a Lord of the Rings fan for "their whole lives".
Oh, and while I'm on that fucking topic, no one has done anything for their whole lives. Breathing is virtually the only activity anyone has done for their entire lives (crying counts too if the person is an emo) and thus that statement is false, misleading and moronic. "He is like my best friend, I've known him all my life" - Unless you are talking about your mother or her obstetrician you havent known them all your life. So friends, think carefully before you say that, otherwise it will very likely make you look even more ridiculous in the eyes of your peers than you already do.
Back to it, The Lord of the Rings movies ruined it for me, simply because every moron who cant read jumped on the bandwagon and sodomised its originality. Now I'm afraid that the same will happen to two other things I love: Beowulf and the Battle of Thermopylae.
Both of these are about to get a movie adaptation (or rather, a new adaptation) in the coming months, and so that they dont get ruined for me through your reckless bandwagon jumping. I'll put it in capital letters so there is no room for misunderstanding.
UNLESS YOU POSSESS SOME CONSIDERABLE KNOWLEDGE ABOUT THE BATTLE OF THERMOPYLAE, HAVE READ FRANK MILLER'S GRAPHIC NOVEL OR KNOW A LOT ABOUT FILMS - DO NOT SEE ZACK SNYDER'S 300.
SIMILARLY, UNLESS YOU HAVE READ THE CLASSIC ENGLISH POEM BEOWULF OR KNOW A LOT ABOUT FILMS, DO NOT SEE THE FILM ADAPTATION OF IT.
There, thats easy to follow isnt it! If in future you wish to discuss either of these with me, you must pass a test on both of these topics, a test set by me. Otherwise, you will be shit out of luck and will probably run afoul of my wrath.
Thats it for tonight, remember boys and girls, stay the hell away from my favourite Last Stands.
Burns the last stand-loving, bandwagon jumper-hating Almighty. December 04 A Declaration of WarGood news everyone
It’s time for my second war. After my near total destruction of the Greenfag war machine (give or take), I have grown weary of people spouting the virtues of something else I loathe. Something which just so happens to be a rival of the wonderful invention that allows you all to get a glimpse into my wonderful mind – Myspace, arch enemy of MSN Myspace.
Allow me to preface my assault on Myspace with this brief notation excluding several people. Several of my friends have Myspaces (and regrettably several relatives) and I would hope that they understand me well enough to comprehend my purpose in this war and they should know they are excluded from my torrent of abuse…..wait, no they aren’t - serves them right, they should know better.
Myspace is the home of desperate, lonely attention-whores who are so eager for people to “get to know them” that they will do virtually anything to get some validation from total strangers, including but not limited to posting pictures of themselves on the net, with a mandatory transparent description of themselves. This shitty description usually constitutes of statements like:
“I enjoy hanging out” – Code for: I’m going nowhere in life and I know it.
“I enjoy having fun” – That tells us so much about you, thankyou.
“I enjoy bumming around” – If a guy says that, bumming around is usually a literal bumming around if you catch my drift (for those of you who didn’t happen to catch my drift, I meant they enjoy the sensation of men’s todgers in their bum bums). If a girl says it, you can bet they have a boyfriend, and bumming around is code for lots and lots of sex.
“I enjoy surfing” – I’d say about 90% of the world’s population list this as one of their interests. Apparently, it’s cool to be interested in surfing. Funnily enough, I never see the amount of people who list it as one of their interests actually out surfing. Still, if it will make me cool, perhaps I should list it as one of my own personal interests.
“Footy” – I of course fail to write that in the form of a complete sentence because those that play Rugbys league or union are utterly incapable of forming a whole sentence correctly.
“Chicks” – Good news boys, with intelligence like that you should have no trouble attracting a certain type of lady (i.e. sluts).
Once we get past the description of themselves, there is usually a series of photos of the person. These photos generally fall into three categories:
1) The pose. My least favourite, this typically entails a photo of the person striking a ridiculous pose for the camera. I have not as yet come across a photo of a posing male that does not make them look like a homosexual nor have I found a photo of a female that does not make them look like a slut.
2) The action shot. Typically involves a person doing something edgy and cool, such as skateboarding (possibly doing a fully sick gnarly 180 kick flip), laughing with their friends in a big group or doing something else that is obviously intended to get anyone who sees these photos thinking how cool the person is.
3) The identity shot. A photo designed to show the person viewing it how cool they are by association e.g. -The photo of the “bestie”. “My bestest bud ever, they are like, so awesome, I love them so much.” Or, alternatively “this is my friend, she is so fat lol. Only joking *insert name*, you know I love you”. -The photo of the group of friends. Clearly designed to cash in on the lowest form of cool – cool by association. -The photo of the pet “aww, isn’t it cute?” -The photo of a status symbol e.g. a car. Wow man, that’s your ride? Why aren’t girls hurling themselves at you? It couldn’t possibly be that no girl with any morals gives a shit about what kind of car you drive could it? -The photo of the baby sister/brother/cousin/neighbour. See description of pet.
Other flaws:
-As if the layout of myspace wasn’t bad enough, people often choose a background that makes it impossible to read anything on their fuckin’ page. Not that they have anything interesting to say, it’s just the principle of the thing.
-People setting their space to private. While this problem is also seen on MSN Myspace, it would damage my argument if I acknowledged that fact, so for the purposes of this blog I’m skipping over it. The setting of the space to private presupposes that the only people who see your page will be a friend of yours. I submit to you morons, that if these people do happen to be your friends there is nothing new they can learn about you from your Myspace. Wow that renders the whole point of your site null don’t it? And if they aren’t your friend but do add you just for the purpose of seeing your site, it becomes pointless you having set your space to private in the first place, if they can get around it so easily.
-Adding “friends”. What is the criterion to make someone a friend? They add you to a Myspace page. Way to set your standards high…Call me crazy, but if someone wants to be my friend just so I can make their friends list that much longer, they aren’t exactly the sort of person I wish to be friends with. But hey, if you are so desperate for validation, then I wish you luck building up page after page of nameless nimrods you will never meet.
-I’ve also noticed a great many people have defected from MSN Myspace to Myspace. These godless, heathen cocksuckers may well argue that they have defected because Myspace is a better forum. In return I would argue that since their space is never going to equate to the overall awesomeness of The Heart Of The Sun, it hardly matters which one they choose. For shame, my cowardly, disloyal friends….for shame….
These are just the basic faults I have found with Myspace. Keep in mind boys and girls, this is only round 1, hopefully a die-hard Myspace fan will respond, though I don’t hold out much hope as they are all no doubt busy commenting on their teeny-bopping bestest friends photos on the shit pile known as Myspace.
Burns the Myspace-Hating Almighty. November 27 The Heart Of The Sun Turns 1!!!As of last week, give or take, The Heart Of The Sun is officially 1 year old. Despite my deep psychological wounds that no-one decided to leave any comments wishing it a happy birthday, I guess the fact that I have been offending people for over a year now is worthy of a special mention. Having looked over the space again, I came to several conclusions regarding the material therein, and here they are: My Favourite Blogs: 1) Time to bring a lesbian back to earth – Sept 06. 2) I’m a changed man – Jan 06 3) The 101 best characters of all time – Nov 06. 4) Don’t die in Bolivia – Jan 06. 5) Mythbuster Burns – July 06. My Least Favourite Blogs: 1) A Miracle - Feb 06 2) TV vs. Film – Battle of the Titans part 3 – July 06. 3) I’m a changed man…again – May 06. 4) I’ll put something new up soon – Apr 06. 5) Sympathy for the Devil – Sept 06.
Highest Scoring Groupies: Not much of a race this one, it goes to the only two regular commenters over the last year… 1) Lil Miss Vixenn2. 2) Afflatigmatic. Thanks Gals, it takes bravery to step onto this battlefield.
My Favourite Lines: 1) “When a girl answers “I’m fine” you haven’t hit her hard enough” – June 06 2) “Greenfag arent fit to perform oral sex on Pete Townshend's dog (no matter how much Tre might want to), nor to shampoo Roger Daltrey's pubic region.” – June 06 3) “So remember girls, if you are at a club and I see you walk off without your drink in tow, chances are the next time you put your mouth around that bottle, you are about to receive a taste of James' home brew.” – Apr 06 4) “How dare he oust Sadaam "I love country music festivals" Hussein!” – Jan 06 5) “The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. A 2005 release in Australia, this is the most underrated comedy since Schindler's List” – Dec 05. 6) “Not even Pele qualifies, because his wang doesn’t work properly” – June 06. Proudest Moment: Winner: Not having lost an argument thus far. Runner up: My campaign against Greenfag. Worst Moment: Winner: Ha, probably starting the site in the first place. Runner up: Placing The Man Comes Around by Johnny Cash at number 25 on my top 40 songs list. Correction: 1) On the top 40 songs of all time, The Man Comes Around should be in 9th place, Helter Skelter moves to 12th, Lucky Man by The Verve moves into 11th and Because I Love You drops out of the list altogether. Horror Is DeadThat's right boys and girls, last night I witnessed the end of a genre. Disappointingly, it was not the demise of whatever genre Jackass 1 or 2 fits into, it was in fact a dear friend of mine - Horror. Shakespeare once said "Let us sit upon the ground and tell sad stories" and it is that statement which best sums up Neil Marshall's The Descent. Billed as the scariest horror/thriller since Alien, This was the last great hope of the horror genre. I too, had high hopes for this film after seeing the trailer, and hoped that it would live up to its hype. Sadly, rather than renewing my faith in the genre, it turned out to be the final nail in the coffin.
The premise? 6 women decide for some inexplicable reason that caving would be fun and go crawling around underground through narrow passages. Of course, there is a cave-in and the women are trapped with no recourse but to continue heading through the earth and hopefully find an alternative route out. In true horror film style however, they are not alone down there....
Answer me this, with such a foolproof premise for a horror film and the potential for it to be an instant classic, how the hell can someone fuck it up? As the final credits rolled, that thought was constantly running through my head, and I decided that if a story like The Descent can't elicit any fear in me, then there is no hope for the genre.
In order to better illustrate my rant, I will have to make specific mentions to things in the plot. Consider yourself warned, there will be spoilers aplenty coming up.
The film kicks off with three women on a kayak going down some pitiful looking rapids. The viewer is obviously meant to assume that this activity sums up these three characters personalities - fun loving, adventurous and full of the spirit of female empowerment. The fact that the visuals in the scene was ripped 100% off Deliverance and the script for the shot (nervous laughter, lots of cheering "woo-woo" and so forth) was ripped off any shitty American teen movie (for example Bring It On) is obviously meant to be skipped over. If that wasn't a bad enough start, here comes some more character development with all the subtlety of a croquet mallet in the face.
After a completely pointless interlude involving a car accident (obviously to set up the main protagonist's emotional base for the rest of the film) and the introduction of yet more stereotyped characters, 6 dumbasses head off underground for an "adventure". After the inevitable cave-in, the audience is forced to labor through a script so sterile and clichéd that will have most of them wishing a nasty case of dysentery on the writers. We then have to sit through a series of trials showing us that these women are capable of banding together and facing the coming horror. Roughly half way through, we are finally introduced to the film's villain(s) and for a brief, shining 10 minute period, it doesnt disappoint. Regrettably, this period of high quality does not last for more than 10 minutes, before the film once more lapses into the pile of shit in which it began.
From there on, the film rockets along at a quick pace without actually showing you anything. For that reason alone, the film is astonishing - so much happens, but when you look back on it, nothing stands out as having happened. After the requisite number of gory deaths have occurred, the film lurches towards the conclusion, though not before throwing an ever-so-cunning twist at the viewer. At least, one assumes it was meant to be cunning - in reality it was a transparent attempt to make a lasting impact of the viewer. It's a shame that that opportunity came and went 90 minutes ago.
That's the plot, basically summarised. On the surface, it doesn't sound too bad however the flaws of this film are too great to overlook.
I've always said that Horror films are won and lost in the first 10 minutes. If a director cant make an impression on the viewer by creating the desired atmosphere in the first 10 minutes, the rest of the film has to work three times as hard to make up for it. Let's compare and contrast the first 10 minutes of one of the greatest horror films of all time - The Exorcist, and the first 10 minutes of this steaming pile of shite. The Exorcist kicks off in Iraq (scary eh?) and follows Max Von Sydow as he unearths a chasm while excavating ancient ruins. The atmosphere is laid on thick and succeeds in unsettling the viewer to the extent that whatever happens in the following hour and a half, there will be a fear factor present. It concludes with the awesome shot of Father Merrin standing on one side of a gulf and a statue of Satan on the other separated by the setting sun in an immortal face off. Compare that with the opening 10 minutes of The Descent, with three women kayaking, joking around with each other, some character stuff that lets the viewer know that one is a mother and that another is having an affair with the mother's husband and concluding with a car accident. Horror films are all about atmosphere, if there is no atmosphere, no matter how strong the acting or direction of the film is, it wont work - The opening shots of The Descent do not create any kind of imposing atmosphere, so it is up against it right from the start.
The genre as a whole has never really been renowned for the strength of its scripts, and The Descent is no exception. It ranges from mildly offensive (not in terms of what is being said, in terms of me being offended that the writer would think I would buy into what he has written) to so terrible I actually grimaced numerous times throughout. One particular scene that sticks in my mind involved the mother and the other two already mentioned in a jeep driving towards the cave itself. The mother is driving, going at speeds that makes her predictably boring best friend nervous, but the mother won't be dissuaded - perhaps by speeding she can forget about her dead child, perhaps by speeding she is trying to get away from the memory. So she defends herself with the line "I'm having fun". No shit. As if that wasn't bad enough, the outspoken mouthy bitch leaps to her defense, laughing while saying "yeah she having fun!". The whole film is littered with examples of that tired, predictable dialogue.
The soundtrack is another area sadly overlooked by The Descent in that I barely noticed it. Rather than complimenting the onscreen action, it merely meandered along beside it, never offering any assistance to the plot whatsoever, assistance it sorely needed. All horror greats use their soundtrack to their advantage - the chorus in The Omen, the intimidating score in The Shining, the Dawn of the Dead remake kicked off with The Man Comes Around by Johnny Cash - a good soundtrack is vital and The Descent missed out big time.
While the premise of the film is strong, the story itself was not quite so - it didn't make sense. For starters, since caving is such a fundamentally moronic form of recreation, as each new problem presented itself to the characters, I kept thinking to myself "serves them right for going caving in the first place". How the hell is crawling through tight underground spaces an attractive proposition? Not only that, but one character has the genius idea of lying to the entire group and sending them down a cave no-one has ever been down. Add to that the fact it ripped off The Blair Witch Project with her leaving the book behind (similar to Michael throwing the map away in the Blair Witch) and it makes for a pretty shitty effort, a hacked shitty effort to make matters worse. While I am on the story, horror films often use foreshadowing techniques to give the viewer a hint of what is to come. In the aforementioned Exorcist scene, the foreshadowing is done very effectively, Merrin facing down the statue representing Satan as he will do later in the film in the form of Reagan. In The Descent, the foreshadowing of later events is done via crappy nightmare sequences from the main protagonist and awful lines like one character exclaiming "I'm gonna die!" as she abseils into the cave at the start of the expedition. Other major plot holes, such as the villains of the film being apparently totally blind yet still acting as if they are relying on their eyes, and inexplicable character events (such as one character being stabbed through the throat with a pick axe yet still managing to speak a good 10 minutes after the event), not to mention the inherent stupidity of the decision after the cave in to continue digging down into the earth ("Hey, no-one has ever been in this cave before and now we're trapped, but I have a great idea, lets keep digging down millions of miles into the earth, there's sure to be a way out!") adds up to a terrible plot to cap off the awful soundtrack and script.
I haven't even gotten to the characterisation yet. The characters were horribly stereotyped and transparent, as if the director wanted to make it even harder for people to like his film. Two minor characters of the main 6 did nothing the whole damn film, other than performing one task each to justify their inclusion in the film beyond that of another meaningless victim (one climbed across a drop, the other pointed out for the audience that the things are blind and are adapted to life in the cave. Thanks bitch, where would we be without you?). The other four characters could easily have slotted into any other horror film - the tormented yet determined protagonist, the stalwart and cautious best friend, the rash and inevitably hysterical adrenalin junkie and the self centered and misguided leader.
The most damning criticism of The Descent as a horror film is the fact it simply isnt scary. The director was forced to rely on abrupt and loud bursts of noise, going for shock value rather than actual fear. When a director has to fall back on cheap tricks like that, you know he hasnt got anything else going for him in terms of creating fear. I could go on for paragraphs about the flaws of this film, but I dont have the time or patience for it. Basically, it was shit, and it could (probably should) have been awesome. Horror is dead.
Burns the Almighty. November 18 Concert EtiquetteConcert Etiquette. A simple, easy concept right? You pay shitloads to go see a concert, you expect everyone to know what the fuck is expected of them. This week, I went to see U2. I went into the concert thinking that it was going to be a disappointment. They, having the reputation as the best live band in the world, had a lot to live up to. Not only did they live up to it, but they surpassed my expectations, putting on a truly awesome show. I shot my load on no less than 16 occasions in their 2 hour set. No, really. But as with most large gatherings of human beings, the human beings themselves let the team down. Which brings me back to:
Concert Etiquette.
A few simple concepts to keep in mind if you want to avoid pissing me off in future.
1) Dont shit on endlessly about other times you have seen that particular band. We dont care how many times in your pitiful little life you have paid to watch a band. I cant see how anyone could possibly think that people want to hear that. I. Dont. Care.
2) If you go to a "gig" (to use the lingo), and you have a ticket that comes with a seat, USE IT. Otherwise, people behind you will face the dilemma of having to stand up too (thereby forcing the people behind them into a similar dilemma) or stare at your ass for 2 hours. If you want to stand up, buy a ticket in the pit, but (and this especially applies to fat bitches with short haircuts) if you bought a seat ticket - use the fucking thing.
3) People pay to hear the band perform, not to hear you sing along with them. I know its easy to get carried away in the moment, but you have to remind yourself how pathetically insignificant you are and remember not to sing. Even if I cant hear you over the music, the occasional sight of your mouth miming the lyrics offends me.
4) The Mexican wave. That concept is enough to make me hate Mexico and Mexicans for eternity. People throwing their hands up in the air while occasionally lifting their asses off their seats just to fit in with the rest of the retarded crowd? Every time I see a Mexican wave, it makes me embarrassed to be a human being. I particularly hate people who get really into it, booing when it breaks down and following it right around the stadium instead of watching the thing they paid for - Way to miss the point you tools.
5) Teeny Boppers. I know you are excited that you are out and about (and imagine if your friends saw you while you were there? How cool would they think you are!), but if you run around talking in loud voices and laughing loudly, you are asking for me to "accidentally" kick your legs out (with the further option of me stamping on your throat). Just a friendly warning - I dont miss.
6) People who think they are hard because they are walking around with a tour shirt piss me off, as they are totally unaware they have been majorly ripped off just so they can wear something that marks them out as "special" fans of the band. Congratulations you morons, you just paid 60 bucks for a status symbol that is worth 10. Hahaha, actually, now that I think about it, thats pretty funny. Keep it up.
7) A mosh pit. When one watches a mosh pit, it's nigh on impossible to have any hope for the future of mankind. People pay upwards of $100 to get into a cramped, stinking pit and jump up and down to music with their hands in the air? What is the attraction? The rank smell of body odour from that hairy guy next to you? The smell of vomit coming off that slut on the other side who is wearing little more than a tissue? The knowledge that your life is going nowhere and you have to make up for it by jumping up and down to music with 10,000 other losers?
8) The warm-up act is just that - a warm up act. The fact they arent good enough to hold their own concert means they are fair game, so dont get shitty when the crowd thinks it is a joke. Especially when it is the guy who opened for U2 (Kayne West or something like that, I think they said). Good move on U2's part though, sending that guy out made the crowd all the more happy when they themselves came out.
9) The sooner white men realise that they cant dance and shouldnt try, the better off the world will be. There is a reason African American comedians make fun of us. I cant dance for shit, so my aryan brothers, follow my fucking lead and leave it to people who actually can do it.
These three really only apply to U2:
10) When they start singing about Bloody Sunday, if you dont know what they are singing about (no, its not a mteaphor), firstly I hate you, then secondly you have no right to sing back to Bono "No More" when he sings that to the crowd. If you dont know what you are saying "No More" to: dont say it at all, you uneducated fucks.
11) Unless the concert is in Ireland, or you have (snigger), followed the band out here - You arent Irish. The only reasons you would take an Irish flag to the concert (or even worse, a "Make Poverty History" sign, you asslickers) is to a) get some attention from the band or b) to cash in on your apparent Irish-ness (yes, thats actually a word). The first means you are a homosexual, the second makes you pathetic. Anyone else still want to try?
12) When Bono craps on about poverty and politics and so forth, cheering doesnt mean you have made a difference. I fucking hate retards who go to their concerts, and cheer their support for Bono's anti-poverty and anti-war stance, yet do nothing to actually assist. When he asks for money for charities, he actually wants you to donate some. Surprised? I know, its shocking isnt it? He wants you to do something tangible. While I'm sure those poor Africans (poor in more than one sense) appreciate the fact you cheer at one of U2's concerts for them, I suspect they would value your money slightly more. Unless you actually do something to help, you have no right to shit on about how bad their plight is and how badly the government needs to do something about it. Do something yourself then get back to me.
That about wraps it up. Keep them in mind next concert you go to.
Burns the Almighty.
November 14 Weeping and Lamenting - The End of an all too brief EraAs I was a-walking down by St.James hospital, As I was a-walking down by there one day, Who should I spy but one of my comrades, All wrapped up in flannel and grey was the day.
I asked him what ailed him, I asked him what failed him, I asked him the cause of all his complaint.
T’was all on account of some fine handsome woman, Tis the reason why I weep and lament. If she had but told me before she disordered me, If she had but told me all but in time, I mighta got pills and salts of white mercury, But now i'm cut down in the height of my prime.
Get six young soldiers to carry my coffin, And six young girls to sing me a song. I let each of them bear a bunch of green laurel, So they don’t have to smell me as they bear me along.
So don’t muffle your drums and play your fifes merrily, And play a quick march as you carry me along, And blaze your bright muskets all over my coffin, Saying there goes an unfortunate lad to his home.
-Al Swearengen November 11 The Passing of another Man's ManBad News Everyone
With every day that passes, we lose more and more old-fashioned "men".
Sadly, yesterday saw the passing of the great Jack Palance, a true example of why mankind is getting worse as time wears on. Men like Palance are dying regularly, and mankind is no longer capable of replacing them. He was the man, right up til his death yesterday at age 87.
I hold my hands up, it was a mistake leaving Jack Palance off my tribute to the greatest cinema villains, for his performance in Shane. I would have put him in, but I just hate the little kid at the end of that film so much, so I couldnt stand to see it on there. He was just as awesome in Batman, as crime lord Carl Grissom.
One only needs look at his acceptance speech when he won his academy award for his role in Cityslickers.
Palance stepped on stage to accept the award, told the crowd that when he shits it is usually larger than Billy Crystal, then proceeded to show just how hard he was by doing one handed push-ups, rather than thanking anyone for his award like a sissy. Keep in mind that Palance was doing these push-ups as a 73 year old.
They dont make men like him anymore, and the world is worse off for it. If the world had more men like Palance in it, or at least, this generation had more men like Jack Palance in it (rather than the morons and emos and rap battlers that we have) then there would be no more problems - trust me.
R.I.P Jack Palance.
Burns the Almighty. November 08 The 101 Best Characters of all timeWhen I was doing my recent tribute to cinema villains, I rediscovered the American Film Institutes list of best characters of all time. Needless to say, it was rubbish. The exact thought I had when I had finished reading through the list was “Can I do a better job? Hell, I’m James Tiberius Burns! Of course I can do a better job!” So, I set about sifting through TV shows and films, in a quest to narrow down the 101 best characters of all time. Why 101? Because the AFI had 100 and I wanted to go them one better, as well as having a much better list. So, here it is: the 101 best characters of all time. Eat Shit AFI. A special thanks to the people I consulted in making the list, their contributions were invaluable: -The man who puts the ‘God’ in Godfather -The lass who puts the ‘Ms. Vixen’ in Lil Ms. Vixen -And of course, the folk hero himself, Folk Hero Holloway.
A couple of selections need clarifying. In several places, I kept characters down in lower positions on the list than they necessarily deserve, in case in future installments their character turns out to be less awesome than initially thought. One such example is Captain Jack Sparrow who probably deserves to be much higher than 23. Until the third installment of the Pirates trilogy is screened, he couldn’t finish any higher. The same is the case with House (73) and Sawyer (86) both of who may yet climb up the list as they move closer to completion. In other cases, I had to omit characters that were too similar to characters already on the list. Damien from The Omen is a notable example, who I thought too similar to Regan from The Exorcist. The same was the case for Humphrey Bogart (Sam Spade) in The Maltese Falcon, who is too similar to Jack Nicholson’s Jake Gittes.
The fighting for the top 5 spots was intense and brutal. Captain Kirk was always likely to come out on top, simply because he is the personification of the term ‘hero’. Everything about him is heroic, hence he nails first place. Second place was probably the most fiercely contested on the entire list. Jules from Pulp Fiction squared off against Al Swearengen from Deadwood. Initially I had Jules in 2nd place, but after watching another 2 episodes of Deadwood series 3 last night, there was only one man it could go to. Jules ran a close third, and has the distinction of being the highest ranked film character of all time. The Joker as the greatest villain of all time finished 4th, and Spike of Buffy/Angel fame rounded out the top 5 for his constant awesomeness across 2 series. Steve Zissou finishes as the funniest character on the list, not only for his subtlety, but also his depth and complexity as a character. Frank Black, Wesley, Charles Foster Kane and Denny Crane rounded off the 10 greatest characters of all time. The characters between 11 and 15 were very unfortunate to miss out on the top 10, and each are great characters in their own right.
A couple of interesting (...) statistics:
TV characters – 33 Film Characters – 68 Male Characters – 97 Female Characters – 4 Good Characters – 75 Evil Characters – 26 Cartoon Characters – 5 Characters dead at the end of their run – 35 Characters played deceased actors - 11
Most Mentions:
Most TV show mentions:
Actors I delighted in shunning:
A special mention should go to the actors who have passed on who make up this great list. -Robert Shaw was one of the most intimidating screen presences of all time. A true man’s man. -Orson Welles, a personal hero of mine. An egomaniac for whom the word genius was no exaggeration, Welles was probably the most naturally talented film maker and actor of all time. -Jimmy Stewart was not only one of the most respected actors of his time, but he was also a strong conservative, which is pretty awesome. -Humphrey Bogart - Nothing needs be said about Bogey, his reputation speaks for itself. -The same goes for Marlon Brando, nothing I could say would contribute anything new. -Raul Julia, one of the most under-rated character actors of all time. Julia almost single-handedly made the Street Fighter film worth watching, and that is an almost inhuman feat. He is sorely missed, and it is nothing short of a war crime that he never received the recognition he deserved. A true cinema legend. -Finally, a man who was instrumental in the success of one of the greatest sitcoms of all time – Arthur Lowe. Captain Mainwaring was probably the vanguard for funny British stereotypes (if not the vanguard, certainly the best), and modern comedy successes such as Little Britain owe much to him.
R.I.P lads.
Kneel before me A.F.I.
Burns the Almighty.
November 03 Justice vs RevengeToday, unfortunately, I had a lot of time on my sexy, sensual hands and went wandering through MSN live spaces. As has happened to me a lot recently - big mistake. Not only were the ones I found a load of poorly written shite, but the ones that did sound vaguely literate were spouting the usual "I love all mankind, war is bad, criminals are wonderful people" bullshit that I've come to expect from certain elements. By 'certain elements' I mean of course hypocritical wankers that think because they have a social conscience they can tell people what they should or should not be doing.
Interesting sidenote to that. An example often heard coming from these people is - the death penalty is wrong - you cant kill people, essentially telling them what they should or rather shouldnt be doing. I guarantee you that these same people will be the ones complaining about my mate George Bush forcing democracy on Iraq. Oh no, he cant tell them how to live. That would be wrong wouldnt it?
One space in particular provided much amusement, consisting of sob story after sob story. At first I thought it was a joke, and laughed. Then I realised it was serious and I laughed harder. At one point, I almost peed myself I was laughing so hard. Thankfully, the crisis was averted when I instead pooed myself. This particular space provided a heartfelt attack on the death penalty (Heartfelt is funny in that instance because when the death penalty is administered, the heart stops - heartfelt see? Funny) before elsewhere saying that George Bush should be shot. Need I point out the contradiction there?
However, it did inspire me to put to bed the debate between Justice and Revenge.
According to the dictionary (which incidentally took me 30 minutes just then to find, so I hope you appreciate these definitions...):
Justice - A concept involving the fair, moral and impartial treatment of all persons.
Revenge - To inflict equivalent injury or damage for injury received.
Justice is about balance. When a wrong is committed, the universe is no longer balanced. Justice, when instituted properly, returns the universe to a balanced state, as the wrong has been undercut by the punishment. If anyone is dumb enough to argue that with me, by all means, but I will assume that anyone with a brain will see the logic in that.
Revenge, when instituted properly, is the perfect sense of balance. An eye for an eye is the very definition of justice. Contrary to popular belief, Justice is not about empirical evidence, its not about science, and its not about faith - it's about what feels right. If a person murders another, who the hell are we to say 20 years is 'sufficient' punishment for that crime? Who the hell are we to buy back that wrong with time in prison? I say that every crime's punishment should be decided by the victim of the original crime. Who better? They are the ones who have been wronged, they deserve that much.
Yes yes, in saying that I recognise that the punishment must be within reason (i.e. the punishment must fit the crime). Whats that you say? "Who decides what is within reason?" (so cunning, these lefties...). My answer to that is - I do. Ideally it would be an eye for an eye, someone murders another, the person closet to the dead person gets to kill the murderer - Balance. Hell, I wouldnt mind if the punishment was a little more than the crime deserved, as punishment for getting caught. Murderers, Rapists, Child Molesters - death penalty. Cruelty to animals? Mauled by rabid dogs, or better yet, rabid mongooses (or mongeese, I'm still not sure on that one) and so forth.
And while I'm on the fucking topic, any 'justice' system that allows a killer to get off on a technicality, or a rapist to be out of prison in 4 years is so fundamentally flawed and contradictory that I find it insulting that anyone with a brain would dare defend it.
There is an argument against the death penalty that says that every man can be rehabilitated, so why kill them? A couple of reasons that I can think of. The first is that some people simply cannot be redeemed. Anyone who says that everyone can be reached is a moron who has never looked evil in the eye. It may be a nice thought that no one is beyond redemption, but it simply isnt true. Secondly, why the hell should they get the chance? In extreme cases such as murder, the victim doesnt get the chance for rehabilitation, so why the hell should their killer get it? That isnt balance.
Face it, Mankind is weak. We are so afraid of ourselves, so bogged down by centuries of accepting wrongs that we dont even know what is justice anymore, let alone how to find it. I was in a tutorial for my degree the other week and we were discussing alcoholism. One girl said that some people simply cant stop drinking. No doubt what she meant to say was that some people simply arent strong enough to go without. Fuck, some of us arent even strong enough to conquer a liquid? Since when has mankind been alcohol's bitch? Did we lose a war? (yes, I said fuck again, arent I the coolest?). Alcohol is just one example. Tobacco, drugs, money...how can the human race honestly expect to progress when it cannot even rise above that shit?
The justice system we have is a reflection of mankind - weak, flawed, easily circumvented and far too easily ignored. How can it not be? when the guiding principle it is founded upon gets lost so easily.
A quote from one of my favourite TV shows - "every day you sit behind your desk and you learn a little more how to accept the world the way it is... The world keeps sliding towards entropy and degradation and what do you do? You sit in your big chair and you sign your checks...". My point there is that mankind lets itself get away with far too much, simply because it thinks it is unable to stop it. Well, I for one am sick of it. I'm sick of being told that just because Iraqi women are a part of a different culture they dont deserve the same rights as western women. I'm sick of being told that global warming is a danger by people who dont do anything to change it. I'm sick of African children starving to death when people throw money at reality TV and shite like that. I'm sick of being told that wrongs cant be righted. I'm sick of being told that mankind is essentially good and just without seeing much evidence for it. and you know what I'm really sick of? I'm sick to fucking death of prissy little turds hiding behind a social conscience because they are too afraid to see the world for what it is. Wake up you pathetic shits, stop telling us what the world should be and start doing something about it.
"But James! We are doing something about it! We have formed committees with people who already agree fully with everything we say! We make posters that no-one pays any attention to! and most importantly, we make sure everyone knows that we have a social conscience, because whats the point of having one unless everyone knows it?". Allow me to rebut, you stupid douches. Very simple - if you are doing something about it, why hasnt anything changed? Here's my advice - do something that works.
My message here groupies, is that our current conception of "Justice" is nothing more than society's politically correct revenge for going against the moral standards it has set itself. Dont settle for an injustice, dont accept something simply because you have to. And most importantly, if you believe something is right, dont let anyone try to tell you it isnt. Even me.
Burns the Almighty. November 01 Glass House axed? Sweet Zombie Jesus - FINALLY!Finally, The Glass House has been axed. The ABC recently announced that they had finally come to their senses and will not be bringing back one of the least funny shows on Australian television for another year. It has been said that there was something of a rivalry between The Glass House and Enough Rope, Andrew Denton's genuinely funny and interesting show. Well - after recent events, we now know what enough rope really means - enough rope to hang the Glass House with. The Glass House has (whoops, better start referring to it in past tense now) - The glass house HAD plenty of obvious punchlines, but terms such as subtlety, insight and humour clearly eluded it. What's that? Another 'Warnie' sex and/or mobile phone joke? Another Amanda Vanstone joke? Shannon Noll has shitty facial hair? Whatever will we do without the Glass House to point this stuff out to us? Over and over and over again.....
The 3 main panelists constantly searching for something funny to say and never quite getting there bear the brunt of my criticism, mainly due to the fact they are so fundamentally unfunny. Wil Anderson, first of all, I hate the fact he spells his name with 1 'L'. Pretentious wanker, it's that kind of attitude that leads to names like "Cher". Apart from that, i'm not sure what was the most annoying aspect of his work, the fact he could scarcely get through one of his jokes without laughing at himself or one of his collegues, or his smarmy, self-satisfied smile that seem to scream "I'm not funny, yet these tools keep laughing as if I am". At the outset of each show, Anderson would introduce with a usual routine "Welcome to the Glass House, the program that answers the question..." and now I can contribute the line for the show's finale - "Welcome to the Glass House, the program that answers the question how many episodes a shitty show devoid of humour can last on the ABC - roughly 220 shows." Still, he cant take the full blame, the other two are just as culpable. It would be too easy to take a shot at Corinne Grant, so I will praise her. It's always nice to see a handicapped member of the community get some form of recognition. And Dave Hughes, the tiny man with the tiny mind and annoying voice - stick to Holden commercials Dave, they only last 30 seconds.
These 3 may object to some of the stuff I just wrote - how does it feel? Not much fun when you are on the end of a series of cheap shots is it?
I wouldnt have even had a problem with the show if they had gone out with some dignity. But no, they had to invent some bullshit political agenda to them getting fired. Yeah guys, John Howard was so worried about the three of you making the same jokes for the past 5 years that he finally decided to have you axed. AFTER 5 YEARS. It couldnt have been that you three simply arent funny, no, it must be that Howard was worried about the damage you were doing to his image. Hell, even if the conspiracy theory was true, it serves them right for picking on someone more powerful than them. Theres a term for that isnt there? Ah yeah, it is - Eat Shit Glass House.
The Glass House has been axed at long last, and it's time to move on - Those three to another show with pretensions of insightful satire and the ABC - hopefully to a show with decent comedic value.
Still, I always like to finish on a positive note, as my regular readers can verify. I should give the Glass House's presenters credit where it is due, after 5 long years, they finally made me laugh.
They got fired.
Burns the Almighty.
October 25 oooohhhhhh pooBad news everyone. This is what it's like to be a West Ham United fan. Last season they finished a highly respectable 9th position in the Premier League in their first season back after being promoted from the Championship. In addition, they made it to the grand final of the F.A cup where they were narrowly beaten by those arsey scouse fuckheads from Liverpool (on penalties no less). Nonetheless, they put up such a fight that it was hailed as the best final in years, and through this they managed to qualify for the UEFA cup. Last season we beat Arsenal at Highbury and Tottscum at Shite Hart Lane to stop them finishing 4th. Compare that with their effort this season. Opening day of the premiership, West Ham beat Charlton Athletic 3-1. Great start, who knows where we can finish this season? Following week we only managed a 1-1 draw with newly-promoted Watford. That's not bad, they are an eager team fighting for their lives from the very start of the season, so a 1-1 draw aint bad. 4 points from a possible 6 is pretty good. Next week, we lost 2-1 to Liverfool. Stiff shit, they are a solid team at home. Next up, a draw with Aston Villa, followed by a run of 7 STRAIGHT LOSSES. That's right: Palermo loss 0-1 Newcastle loss 0-2 Man City loss 0-2 Palermo loss 0-3 Reading loss 0-1 Portsmouth loss 0-2 Tottscum loss 0-1 YOU READ RIGHT - WE LOST TO FUCKING READING!!!!!!!! We went 668 minutes without scoring A SINGLE FUCKING GOAL!!!! Last night presented West Ham with the opportunity to arrest the slide against lowly Chesterfield in the League Cup. Thankfully, we only had to wait 4 minutes before Marlon "Peahead" Harewood scored a fantastic goal to lift the spirits of every Hammer out there. Unfortunately, Chesterfield, the shithouse side from League 1 (they are coming 15th in that league....) scored to equaliser early in the second half. Surely not, I thought, my Hammers dont hate me that much. They couldnt do that to me, lose to Chesterfield. They wouldnt dare. I offered a small prayer to God, "Lord" I said, "Please spare my beloved Hammers. They know not what they do." (I thought that if I quoted someone he knew he would be more likely to help me out). I followed this up with "If you really love me, you will help West Ham win this game". Big mistake I swear I heard a chuckle as I turned my head back to the TV to see The Hammer's backline forget how to kick a ball, and some nobody from Chesterfield scored. That goal was as pleasant as a hard kick in my genitals and when the final whistle went, the scoreline read West Ham 1 - Chesterfield 2. Haha, no no, you read that right too: WEST HAM 1 - CHESTERFIELD 2. WE LOST TO CHESTERFIELD!!!!! THE SIDE COMING 15TH IN LEAGUE 1!!!! We currently sit in 19th place on the table, and are looking at being relegated. If that happens i'll be....most upset. Seriously, I'll be crushed. So, thats what it's like to be a West Ham fan. I hate everyone and everything. At this moment, none more so than West ham United. Burns "brink of despair" Almighty October 23 A Tribute To Cinema VillainsI like Villains. They Hate people. They want to do as much damage as possible, get as much for themselves and are prepared to step on anyone to do it. I enjoy that lack of pretentiousness, since most people are either too hypocritical, too deluded or simply too cowardly to admit to their true nature. In most films, I hope the bad guy survives and most of the time wins out. The villain is what keeps the world interesting, and while I was wanking on about how good Jack Nicholson is in The Departed, I thought I should do a tribute to cinema villains. So, here it is, my tribute to the 20 best cinema Villains of all time. 20 Character: Hannibal Lector Film: The Silence of the Lambs Actor: Anthony Hopkins. Description: Yeah yeah, we all know how good he is, moving on. Best Villainous Moment: Eating people. 19 Character: Frank Film: Once Upon A Time In The West Actor: Henry Fonda. Description: The archetypal unremorseful western bad guy, Fonda doesn’t exude much personality in the role, but there is no doubting his nasty intent. Best Villainous Moment: Murdering Children without remorse. 18 Character: John Doe Film: Se7en Actor: Kevin Spacey. Description: Very similar to Hannibal in that he only gets a short amount of actual screen time, but he certainly makes use of the time he does get. Looking like a creepy leukaemia patient and sounding like Charles Manson crossed with a deluded celebrity, Spacey hacks through a fat guy, a coloured man (tee-hee - a coloured man) and a hooker on his way to the 7 deadly sins. Best Villainous Moment: Beheading Gwyneth Paltrow. Hahaha, take that Coldplay. 17 Character: M Film: M Actor: Peter Lorre. Description: Probably the first compulsive serial killer depicted on film, Lorre is very unsettling in the role of M, a man who lures children into dark alleys and murders them. It turns into a question as to whether someone who is compelled to kill deserves death or rehabilitation (something I’ve noted elsewhere on this site). A fascinating study, for such an early film. Best Villainous Moment: Again, Murdering Children. 16 Character: Nurse Ratched Film: One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest Actor: Louise Fletcher. Description: The cold hearted bitch who rules a mental ward with an iron fist. Fletcher was so good in the role that she has pretty much been typecast as a scheming, cold bad guy. She even manages to give Jack a lobotomy, which is pretty damn evil. Best Villainous Moment: Bruising Jack Nicholson’s hands with her throat. 15 Character: Regan Film: The Exorcist Actor: Linda Blair. Description: I don’t really need to say much on her do I? She scared me when I was younger (the bitch…) and she still manages to make me poo my pants when she crawls down the stairs on her hands (backwards) in the new cut of the film. Best Villainous Moment: Where to start? Inserting a crucifix in her holiest of holies is probably a start, also, for killing Max Von Sydow (hahaha, he had it coming, the cocky old bastard). 14 Character: The Blair Witch Film: The Blair Witch Project Actor: N/A. Description: The only member of this distinguished list who never appears on film. The Blair Witch doesn’t actually exist, but her shenanigans in The Blair Witch Project makes one wonder. Best Villainous Moment: Killing all three of those annoying teens. She should really be in a top 20 cinema heroes for that. 13 Character: Harry Lime Film: The Third Man Actor: Orson Welles. Description: An old fashioned bad guy, Harry Lime was a racketeer who was trafficking penicillin. He is notable for 2 reasons: 1 – He is played by Orson Welles. 2 – He is an intelligent bad guy, who has reasoned that people work better when they are screwing each other over. Basically, Survival of the fittest, in evil form. What’s more, he makes a compelling argument, and adds yet another nail into the liberal approach to humanity. Best Villainous Moment: “In Italy, for 30 years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed – they produced Michaelangelo, Leonardo Da Vinci, and the renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, five hundred years of democracy and peace and what did that produce? The Cuckoo Clock.”. 12 Character: Frank Costello Film: The Departed Actor: Jack Nicholson. Description: The newest addition to the list, Nicholson has said that he views Costello as the ultimate embodiment of evil. A fair call. Best Villainous Moment: Beating up Dicrapio with his own shoe. Priceless. 11 Character: Little Bill Daggett Film: Unforgiven Actor: Gene Hackman. Description: Depending on how you look at it, he may not be a villain. In Unforgiven however he is shown as being more antagonistic and so he makes the list. Hackman won an academy award for this appearance, and one can see why. Best Villainous Moment: Whipping Morgan Freeman. Who hasn’t wanted to at one time or another? (Most recently, I wanted to do it during his opening oration for War of the Worlds, he cant hold a candle to Richard Burton). 10 Character: Johnny Ringo Film: Tombstone Actor: Michael Biehn. Description: A decision probably coloured by the fact I like him from Aliens and I thought his show-down with Doc Holliday in this film was awesome. Still, he truly gives off the impression of a man who has made a pact with Mephistopheles and shows no remorse about that. Best Villainous Moment: His face off with Doc Holliday. He lost, but at least he showed up. 9 Character: Damien Film: The Omen Actor: Harvey Stephens. Description: The evil little shit also known as the anti-christ. I loved the film and thought this small bastard was wonderful in the role, but I’m still pissed off at him that David Warner had to die so he could live. Much better than the remake version, which is a blight on mankind (but not in a funny way). Best Villainous Moment: Knocking his mum off a balcony on a tricycle and inducing his nanny to hang herself for no reason whatsoever. 8 Character: Mr.Blonde Film: Reservoir Dogs Actor: Michael Madsen. Description: A psycho in many respects, Madsen brings an otherwise unremarkable character to life in the torture scene. Best Villainous Moment: The line “Are you gonna bark all day, little doggy, or….are you gonna bite?” The torture scene was pretty rough too. 7 Character: Amon Goethe Film: Schindler’s List Actor: Ralph Fiennes. Description: Nazi. *Insert comment about Nazi atrocities here*. Best Villainous Moment: Taking pot shots at the Jewish prisoners from his balcony was evil, however, nowhere near as evil as his comb-over. 6 Character: Bill Film: Kill Bill Actor: David Carradine. Description: Cool, that about sums him up. Watching him walk to his death, how can anyone doubt that? They cant, that’s how. Best Villainous Moment: Managing to get through the line “the 5-point-palm exploding heart technique” without laughing. 5 Character: Mick Taylor Film: Wolf Creek Actor: John Jarrett. Description: The best depiction of a sadistic bad guy on the list, Mick comes out of nowhere with a flawless showing. Best Villainous Moment: Too many to name. 4 Character: Khan Film: Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan Actor: Ricardo Montalban. Description: The Moby Dick-quoting, Spock-killing Star Trek supervillain gets a mention because he manages to stand face to face with Shatner and hold his own. Best Villainous Moment: “He tasks me. He tasks me and I shall have him! I’ll chase him ‘round the moons of Nibia and ‘round the Antares Maelstrom and ‘round Perdition's Flames before I give him up!” (Incidentally, that’s probably my favourite line of any film at any time). 3 Character: Norman Bates Film: Psycho Actor: Anthony Perkins. Description: I typically hate mummy’s boys. In fact, I’ve never met one I’ve liked, lucky for Mr. Bates then that I never met him. “We all go a little mad sometimes…” indeed we do. Best Villainous Moment: Having the courage to call himself a villain yet still dress up in his mummy’s frock. 2 Character: Jack Torrence Film: The Shining Actor: Jack Nicholson. Description: No-one will ever comes as close to doing a descent into madness quite like Jack has managed to do here. The image of him hacking through a door with an axe to get to his wife is iconic, and is one of the most powerful scenes in cinema history. Best Villainous Moment: Killing Scatman Crothers with an axe. Hahaha, gold. 1 Character: The Joker Film: Batman Actor: Jack Nicholson. Description: Could number 1 have gone to any other character? I’ve often said that The Joker sums up everything appealing about evil; the abandonment to fate, the elation, the joy, the humour, the sadism, the absence of regret or doubt….this is evil in its purest form, and damn, it looks fun. Best Villainous Moment: The whole performance is perfect from start to finish.
Well, there it is boys and girls, the best villains of all time. You will all note that my list is far better than that shite compiled by the American Film Institute a couple of years ago. My list is much better, and I would even go so far as to call it definitive. So, next time you think of someone in your life as an asshole, think about how dull life would be without the villains. Burns the Almighty. |
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