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The Heart Of The SunI dont need the attention, I do this to save you ignorant bastards from yourselves. January 19 My Myspace AuditionTo my boundless horror, people still seem to be using Myspace, even after I made clear how sad/desperate/lonely/unoriginal one has to be in order to flourish there.
As Sun Tzu (look him up) once said "know your enemy as you know yourself, and victory shall always be yours". It is a nifty trick that gives one the edge in any situation, including Myspace (though I suspect that my good friend Sun Tzu would, like me, consider Myspace a waste of time, and is probably rolling in his grave at the thought of his work being applied to it....hahaha, unlucky Sun Tzu). To that end, I occasionally cast my eye over Myspace to see if the standard has improved. Unsurprisingly, it hasnt. You would be amazed at the sort of things you can glean from Myspace though; the intrigue, the insults, the betrayals, the romance, the knowledge that witty banter is a gift limited to a rare few....it's all there.
So, rather than keep trying to make clear to retards that they are in fact retards (because that task could take till the Ragnarok, and I have better things to do until then), I thought I would jump ship and sign myself up for Myspace. Well, not so much jump ship so much as do an audition to see if I can get into the Myspace rhythm.
Here is my attempt at a Myspace "about me" survey, which I shamelessly pilfered off my good friend's site; Finland's answer to Bruce Lee, Australia's answer to Patrick Swayze, the buff, the brave, the loyal - Starry: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=89963733 (some free publicity for your site my friend).
I must confess I am a little nervous. What if I dont seem "cool" enough? What if people dont leave comments? What if I dont get 60 million friends on my space? Relax James, just get through the audition first, worry about the rest later... Here goes... Name: James Tiberius Burns lol! Birthday: 3/4/87. I'm like, so old! Birthplace: Blacktown Hospital. lol, i'm not black tho wtf? Current Location: outside your window roflmao!!!! Eye Color: Smoky Silver. Hair Color: umm....blonde? lol, depends on if its wet or not!! Height: umm.. I lost my ruler soz Right Handed or Left Handed: when im at fight club, i can punch bitches with both lolz Your Heritage:wtf? whats a heritage? I dont think ive eva been infected by one The Shoes You Wore Today: umm...thongs. lol! not a g-string though! roflamo! Your Weakness:sometimes not being able to go to the gym daily for 12 hours to make myself look buff. cant chill with my homies if im not buff Your Fears: Poofs. fuckin gays, like wtf dudes? I also fear terrorists, fuckiin museliems, blowin shit up. Your Perfect Pizza:the steroid special lol!!! it would also be cool if it came with a new surfboard, footy and engine for my car on it. fuck man, i would tap that shit so hard lol!!! Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:finish doing up my fuckin sick VH commodore. and to screw that hot bitch at the Burger King i work at! fuckin A man, how awesome are girls? lol. Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: what does that mean? Thoughts First Waking Up: umm....I dunno, probably meh! Your Best Physical Feature: my car. Your Bedtime: depends on how smashed I am! Lol! Your Most Missed Memory: every saturday night since I turned 14. Pepsi or Coke: dont care, as long as there is fuckin alcomohol in it!!!!!!!! MacDonalds or Burger King: fuck man, i gotta cook that shit, i wouldnt eat it. grease and steroids would make me bait in my car when im fuckin maggot! Single or Group Dates: meh, as long as there are lots of hot bitches for me to tap!!!! yeah man, bitches!!!!! Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: poof drinks Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolate is black, and i fuckin hate blacks. should still be our slaves lol! but vanilla is for poofs, so neither. Cappuccino or Coffee: poof drinks. wtf man, whats with all this queer questions? are they like, trying to turn me gay? Do you Smoke: fuckin A man, im so hard. my buff body will beat the shit out of lung cancer if it comes near me, even the grim reaper is afraid of me when im pumping iron in the gym. Do you Swear: lol! just look up! Do you Sing: at the footy, only poofs sing at other places. Maybe some Cold Chisel in tha shower tho lol! Do you Shower Daily: no. I take baths roflmao!!!! Have you Been in Love: fuck no, treat them bitches mean, alwasy keeps em coming back. Do you want to go to College: go where? Do you want to get Married: to lots of women. They can like, cook my food and wash my clothes lol Do you belive in yourself: have you seen me? i can smash anyone! i have a hotted up car! and chicks dig my ass lol! and what else is there besides all that? nothing, so yes, i do believe in myself. Do you get Motion Sickness: only poofs get motion sickness. Getting sick from moving. Wtf? Do you think you are Attractive: wtf? you dont think im attractive? WTF????? Are you a Health Freak: yeah, i only ever eat or drink protein supplements. and alcomohol of course, im no sissy. Do you get along with your Parents: my dad just got out of prison, and when he isnt working (im so proud my dad has 2 jobs! he drives a taxi and is a janitor! I bet those nerds cant get 2 jobs lol) so we dont see each other much. Some times he comes home early to give me a whoppin tho. And my mum left when i was 8, she told me dad she got a job on the docks and never came back. Do you like Thunderstorms:yeah, respect brother. yes, thunderstorms are my bruz lol! Do you play an Instrument: learned to play smells like teen spirit by nirvana on the bass guitar. In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: lol, that question could be in the last 10 minutes have you drank alcomohol and the answer would still be yes. In the past month have you Smoked: lol, and again, look at the previous question for an answer. In the past month have you been on Drugs: nah man, only losers take drugs. im like, wtf dude? why would you fuck your body up with drugs? All i need is my protein supplements, my alcohol, my ciggys and my steroids. drugs are for losers. In the past month have you gone on a Date: yeah heaps, for some reason chicks like it when i talk like this. I act like this, treat them like shit, tap them, then treat them like shit some more, then they wonder how they didnt see that i was a jerk and complain about it to their friends. hahaha, dumb bitches. In the past month have you gone to a Mall: wtf? a mall? where are we? george bush land? Roflamo In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: are oreos protein supplements? i fucking think not. In the past month have you eaten Sushi: eww gross! im not a fucking Nip! In the past month have you been on Stage: only poofs go on stage. you know those fuckin guy ballay dancers. or should i say gay ballay dancers! ROFLOAM!!!!! fuckin yeah!!!!LOL!!!!!!! In the past month have you been Dumped: shit no, chicks dont dump guys with pecks like these. In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: i tried, but my pecks are so big i couldnt get my singlet off lol. my pants came off easily tho. wait... In the past month have you Stolen Anything: yeah but the pigs couldnt keep up with my hotted up VL. Ever been Drunk: all the time dude, all the time. Ever been called a Tease: nope, soz. Ever been Beaten up: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. ME? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH Ever Shoplifted: No, I could tho, because im hell buff and i work out. lol, get it? shoplifted? me hell buff? lifting shops? fuck yeah. How do you want to Die: beating the shit out of the grim reaper with his giant...ummm....ahh...his giant big fork thingy.... What do you want to be when you Grow Up:Governor of California. What country would you most like to Visit: sweeden. the chicks over there have some massive-ass titties! In a Boy/Girl.. Favourite Eye Color: meh Favourite Hair Color: meh, as long as they arent a redknob. Short or Long Hair:long, im a guy, chicks with short hair only like other chicks! Height:short, i dont want no fuckin giant chick! Weight: dude, when im smashed id even take the fat chicks lol! Best Clothing Style: white singlet, baggy shorts with boxers showing (maybe even some ass crack to excite the women), thongs (lol, get your mind out of the gutter!), cap on sideways, sunnies (or shades). thats me, im so fuckin hot! Number of Drugs I have taken:non, drugs are for losers. Number of CDs I own: all rap cds. eminem, dre, 50 cent...fuck yeah. when im crusing around in my souped up VZ, ive always got some snoop pumping out the window with the sound cranked up. the chicks love it. Number of Piercings:one time i got so smashed my friends dragged me to some place and gave me one right thoguh my knob. I was like "wft? Where did that come from?". so 1 piercing in total. Number of Tattoos: they also gave me a tatu hoping to make me look like a sissy. as a joke, they carved "mothar" into a love heart on my arm. those guys, they are so funny, i only bashed them a little afterwards. Number of things in my Past I Regret:83. the number of times ive woken up next to some fat chick lol! shit yeah bitches, im at the end!!!!!
There we have it boys and girls. It’s hard to tell how I did, but honestly I think I’d fit right in on Myspace with a profile in that vein. I may learn to love Myspace yet…
Burns the Almighty January 17 Retail: Less Respectable Than ProstitutionAs many of you know, or dont, in my spare time I often enjoy impersonating Officeworks employees. You know, dressing up in the uniform, wandering around the store, dodging store security, hoping customers ask me questions, that sort of thing. Not only is it one of the most exciting past times a person could pursue, its also one of the most informative.
As the title of this blog may suggest, I have discovered that retail, or in broader terms "customer service" is the lowest human function, lower even than shitting, or driving a Bus. Why? Because it is less respectable than prostitution. Thats right, i'd sooner admit to being a hooker than being in customer service. I'd rather sell what I (loosely) call my wonderful body to the highest bidder, no matter how ugly, dirty, fat or "ethnic" (hahaha, a racist comment that none of you can stop, eat shit) the person happens to be. I can at least respect hookers, at least they admit their job is whoring. This is primarily due to the fact that it is built around a totally flawed concept - that the customer is always right.
That is wrong on so many levels it isnt funny.
*note: it IS actually funny, because I dont think it, and people who do are retards. See? Funny.*
1) Customers are (typically) members of the general public. Since when has the general public been right? About anything? We are talking about the same people responsible for making reality TV popular, the people responsible for Rap music, the people responsible for George Bush jokes (thats right boys and girls, get back to me the second you think up a funny one), and perhaps worst of all, the people responsible for pissing me off daily.
2) If the customer was always right, there would be no need for them to ask a question, because they would already know the fucking answer.
3) I've been a customer before - AND EVEN I HAVE BEEN WRONG 3 TIMES IN MY LIFE. If I have been wrong before, then what hope does anyone else have of being right all the time? None. Exactly.
Whats that you say? "The customer is always right" is not so much a rule so much as an attitude towards your customers?
Oh, you mean it's just a way of sucking their balls in the vain hope they spend more money on you? My mistake. I'd much prefer a store employee to talk to me like an idiot if I ask an idiotic question - at least then I would know I'm not being patronised by them.
The customer isnt always right. This is a message to everyone in retail: Grow some balls - tell them so. January 01 R.I.P Saddam “I Love Country Music Festivals” Hussein.Friends, the unthinkable has happened. The world’s greatest man, a man who epitomized the words “charity”, “humanity”, “friendship” and “happy happy joy joy”, a man who made Santa Claus look like a fat bastard, a man who made Ghandi look like a crazed psychopath, a man who made Shatner look ordinary, and a man who made me look…well, I still look wonderful, but that’s no fault of his, has been executed.
“Why James?” I hear you cry. “Why would those assholes execute such a wonderful human being?”
I understand your sadness and confusion. Really, I do. Saddam was as much a hero of mine as he was of yours.
The reasons behind his execution are all politically based. Don’t delude yourselves, all is not as it seems. Oh sure the American’s and the Iraqi’s may come up with all kinds of excuses for killing the man, but I know the truth. My favourite excuse I heard from one American diplomat was that Saddam’s blood was 100% pure crude oil, and they wanted to kill the guy so they could harvest his “blood”. The reports that his execution was performed by “nuking” remain unconfirmed.
These are all false though. As usual, it’s left to me, Burns the Almighty, to enlighten you all on the REAL reasons behind this nefarious scheme.
The real person behind Saddam’s death was none other than Mel Gibson.
“Mel Gibson?” I hear you ask skeptically. “Saddam wasn’t Jewish! Why would Mel hate Saddam?”
Saddam saw how sexy Mel looked in his new beard and decided to imitate it (they are calling that look the “Me-tler” in Iraq currently). Mel, in typical Hollywood style, was enraged upon seeing his trademarked look stolen by Saddam, and promptly threw his Hollywood weight about to ensure that this wonderful man, this prince among men, would be hung. Mel Gibson - you asshole.
Still, we Saddam admirers can be thankful that this legend was killed before he did something unsavory and damaged his reputation amongst us liberals.
I thought in honour of this great man, I would give you all a brief run-down of his wonderful humanitarian exploits, from birth to death.
-Born April 28, 1937. There is an interesting story about his birth. Apparently, Saddam’s mother was a virgin, engaged to a carpenter. One day, an Angel appeared to her and pointed her towards Tikrit. She set off to Tikrit, only to find that there was no room in any of the Inns. So she went out back and slept in a barn. Next morning, she went outside to find little baby Saddam, lying in a dirt patch, having apparently fallen out of a cow’s ass.
-At age 3, in accordance with Iraqi custom, officially became a “man”.
-At age 5, became a hero. He single handedly stoned to death 12 ravenous, savage kittens to save his village.
-At age 8, stopped breast feeding.
-At age 12, learned to read and spell simple words.
-At age 13, attended his first country music festival in Nashville, which spawned a life-long love affair.
-At age 15, began an on-again off-again love affair with Iraq’s oldest woman.
-At age 23, mourned death of his lover.
-At age 24, achieved the honour of becoming Iraq’s third man to complete high school.
-At age 27, was arrested for pursuing the “on-again” portion of his relationship with (ex)Iraq’s oldest woman.
-At age 31, was released from prison and with his credentials firmly established, Saddam entered politics.
-At age 32, granted himself the modest title of “supreme overlord of heaven and earth” after the “accidental” deaths of his political opponents. Swore at his coronation that he would be the nicest guy ever to be an overlord.
-At age 35, made it illegal for anyone in Iraq to not be wearing silly hats.
-At age 36, Saddam was again a hero, when he ordered the death of 17 elderly traitors, conspiring to soil themselves in the afternoon in protest of his silly hat law.
-Age 45, nominated himself for the Nobel Peace Prize. Thanks to the petty manipulations of a young Mel Gibson, he was unsuccessful.
-Age 51, wrote his own love song to the people of the world. Entered the charts at number 470, 899.
-Age 53, took up alpine skiing briefly, but was hit with a rogue snowball thrown by a Swedish youth. After the ensuing massacre of the Ski lodge by Saddam’s “friends”, Saddam’s media and international advisors advised against leaving the country any more.
-Age 57, saw a teletubby on TV and began dressing up as the purple one. After a brief stay in a “rest home”, he was released and stopped wearing the suit in public.
-Age 61, began collecting postage stamps. By the time of his death, he had the 7th biggest collection in Iraq.
-Age 68, contrary to American reports that he was on the run from their forces, Saddam actually was on a year long pub crawl, around all of Iraq’s best nightclubs. As he said in his trial - “the chicks dig the Me-tler”.
-Age 69, fell victim to the Mel Gibson conspiracy, and was hung.
Let us all mourn the passing of this great man. And let us all hope that he is getting everything he deserves in the afterlife. And then some.
Burns the Almighty. The 10 Funniest Deaths of 200610) Peter Smith – (June 25 1940 – February 10 2006) A British Trade Union leader who died of Oesophageal Cancer. Funny because I’ve always said that god hated the trade unions, and this proved it.
9) Markus Loffel – (27 November 1966 – 11 January 2006) A German DJ who was a prominent member in the trance movement, Loffel suffered a heart attack last year when he realized that Trance music was shit.
8) Allen Carr – (2 September 1934 – 19 November 2006) A 5 pack a day smoker till 1983, when he stopped smoking and became addicted to the glare of the neon lights that were popular at the time (Note: that last part may not be factually based). Killed by lung cancer, the period between 1983 and 2006 took the form of a celebrity death match between Carr and a Cigarette. Well, it took the cigarette 23 years, but it won out in the end.
7) Hanumant Singh – (29 March 1939 – 29 November 2006) An Indian Cricketer, and in later life he became a match referee. Why is his dying amusing? Because while he thought he was not out, death disagreed and sent him back to the pavilion for 67.
6) David Bronstein – (Feb19 1924 – December 5 2006) A leading chess grandmaster, Bronstein didn’t count on death moving its queen in behind his king, cornering his bishops and taking his knights. This death took the form of a Celebrity death match between death and Bronstein, except it was in chess form. Bronstein should have known better, not even Deep Blue could beat death at Chess.
5) Paul Avrich – (August 4 1931 – February 16 2006) A professor of the Anarchist movement, who suffered from Alzheimer’s Disease which eventually resulted in his death. Why is his death amusing? Because the guy who studied anarchy for a living fell victim to anarchy in his brain. Get it?
4) Mitchell Rupe (1955 – February 8 2006) Rupe was a convicted murderer who was sentenced to death in 1994, but the judge ruled that he was too heavy to hang, as the sheer weight of the fat prick could have resulted in the rope snapping as he dropped to the ground, and the impact would have caused the earth to split in two. In reality, the judge was afraid he would have been decapitated, but his death from liver failure last year amused me because it is one less fat person to worry about.
3) Vince Welnick – (February 21 1951 – June 2 2006) The keyboardist of the Grateful Dead between 1990-1995, Welnick committed suicide by apparently drawing a knife across his throat. His death is pretty much the definition of irony, thanks to the band he chose to play in. Perhaps he took his music a little too seriously.
2) Samuel Powers – (6 August 1924 – 5 November 2006) An imperial wizard of the Ku Klux Klan who died in a state penitentiary from a heart attack. This attack was apparently brought on when Powers realized that his great grand-mammy once bumped into a black man when walking down a street, and was so horrified that he had been contaminated by “black” that his heart stopped. Perhaps death did a drive-by on his wigga ass; as we all know, when death gangbangs you, you don’t stand a chance homey.
And 2006's funniest Death is.......
1) Ali Khan Samsudin – (1958 – December 1 2006) Known as Malaysia’s Snake King because he lived with 400 Cobras for 12 hours a day for 40 days in a small room in the early 90’s. Amusingly, he pissed off one snake too many by calling himself their king without a proper coronation, and was promptly bitten on the wang (I assume) by a king cobra. Malaysia’s version of celebrity deathmatch, between the snake king and a king cobra. Needless to say, the Snake King came off second best when he bit the snake and found out he didn’t have any venom to inject and snuffed it.
2006 In FilmThe Worst:
Worst Comedy – Jackass 2. The perfect answer to “How could mankind seem even stupider than Jackass 1?”
Worst Horror – The Omen (remake). Horrific, but not in the intended way.
Worst Action – Poseidon. Oh yes, it sank.
Worst Sci-Fi – Ultraviolet. Marginally better than a fat woman stepping on my genitals.
Worst Drama – Tristan and Isolde. Another contender for the Jackass question.
Worst Fantasy – Underworld: Evolution. Shitness: Evolved.
And the Best:
Best Comedy – Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. Occasionally humorous, that’s about as good as I can say for it. Get off the bandwagon boys and girls, it wasn’t that funny.
Best Horror – N/A. As already made clear on this site, this genre no longer exists.
Best Action – Casino Royale. The best Bond film in a good long time, Daniel Craig is no Sean Connery, but he is no Pierce Brosnan either, so that’s a plus.
Best Sci-Fi – Children of Men. Brilliant from start to finish.
Best Drama – The Prestige. Brilliant from start to almost 85% through. Average for the last 15%.
Best Fantasy – Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest. No surprises there from this surprisingly solid sequel. Surprising because it IS a sequel.
2006 Best Film: The Departed. Refer to my review on it to see how awesome it is. December 27 An ExperimentThats right boys and girls, you are about to get a rare insight into me. Arent you lucky? Yes, you are.
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TEXT REMOVED AT FIERCE INSISTENCE OF AUTHOR, WHO IS THANKFUL HE WOKE IN TIME TO DELETE THIS SHITE
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I'll do a proper blog later. When my head stops pounding probably...
Burns the Almighty.
December 24 A Christmas MessageGo to Hell.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH hahahahahahahahaha and so forth.
That's not really the message, I just thought it would be funny to make you feel bad for a brief second. Made me laugh anyway.
In actuality, I had planned to go into meticulous detail describing the true meaning of Christmas (i.e. people worshipping me and proving their love by giving me many expensive gifts).
Unfortunately for you all, your edification will have to wait till next year. As I sat down to bash out a wonderful blog, all the sickening christmas goodwill floating about got to me, and I threw up all over my keyboard.
At present I am typing through the black bile I just sprayed all over my desk, and I fear that if I mention Christmas anymore it will result in yet another spewing of bodily fluids of some description. So, it looks like all of you are shit out of luck.
Still, if my groupies did happen to have a christmas (or, to be fashionable - xmas) that could be considered "merry", I wouldnt object too loudly.
Thats about as generous and warm as I plan to get.
Burns the Almighty. |
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